Joy

I woke up 3 times last night with my heart pounding. I don’t know what I dreamed of, but I had great fear. My anxiety level is high. I’m trying so hard to choose joy, but I continue to fail and let my worry and anger and fear overcome me…though its mainly subconscious. I asked God today how I can go on and how I can handle such things. He reminded me of the peace that comes to me through writing. When I quit writing online, on this page, I did so because I thought my posts were too depressing and indicative of complaints. I stopped writing without “thinking” about it and started thinking too much. Also I’m not in the Word as I have been in the past. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. It comes through Him. I can’t choose it on my own; I can only obtain it by His grace. This is the solution. The circumstances being solved in my favor isn’t, seeking Him is.

I need a lot right now….a lot! However, I need joy and peace more than anything.

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness…Then all these things will be added unto you.

Write

Do you ever have one of Those nights where the time passes you by?
The household sleeps yet you creep around like a dog in the night looking for a place of rest. I’m in one of those nights right now.
I’m lurking through the corners of my heart
Peering at old hurts and memories of events that made me who I am today.
I wonder where it fits into who I am at this moment.
It suggests regret, though I feel none of that.
There’s no time for shame and hostility towards my former self; yet, I give myself permission to observe the bruises and scars left by perceptions and pain that drove me to join together the need to survive with God given idiosyncrasies.
In this I realize I have been carrying my load as a weary traveler lugging dirty clothes on a wheeled carrier filled with the remnants of a journey that has past.

The only thing I hear In this night silence is a subtle command,”write.”

Speak

When I am conflicted
And feeling afflicted
I turn to You Lord.
I reach for Your Word
To give me answers.

Showers of grace and mercy;
Revelation in my midst.
The more I learn of Your ways,
The more I study Your good name,
The more amazed I become!

Spoken Word, written
From the days of Old.
Constant relevance
Still reigning true
In Yours truly.

No other do I love
Above You;
My trust falls in You.
I will not go forward
Until I hear from You.

Once the Word speaks,
This daughter moves.
Until then, I am still.
In Your whispering,
Lord, I trust in you.

Ode & Lament

ODE TO My Stolen Bible

It is not without deep sadness
Since you slipped from my careless hands
That I consider your location
I never thought I took you for granted
But looking back I know I could have known you more
Yet you’re gone
And I can only pray
You are found
By one who needs you
Who treasures you
More than I ever did

You were my precious possession
And I am lost
That you are lost
And Pray you find the lost-
Or the lost finds you
Where are you?
In a dumpster…
A graveyard for filth
Covered in the feces of mankind?
Are you in a dark corner?
Waiting on brokenness to peer at you,                                                                                       Just glance your way?

Is she lost and lonely?

Poor and wretched?

Is he ready for freedom?

will you feed those with a pattern of past predicaments and pain?

Lord, let the Spirit that makes all things new

Beckon a broken soul to the pages created from your precious breath

Let my loss be someone’s eternal gain.

I miss my Bible
Even though I have 4 on the shelf.

Listen to Grandma!

Now this is Grandma wisdom

“You can worry or you can trust…you can’t do both at the same time.”

James 1:2-4 states, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I did not understand what that meant until now.

Now, let me tell you what the dictionary.com definition of the word “understand” -just so you understand what I’m saying

 

1. To perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend…
After an intense spell of anxiety, I began to consider my current trial as joy.  It wasn’t a sudden loss of anxiety; it was a purposeful dispelling of it.   Am I going to worry OR am I going to trust?  I mean, I claim to trust God everyday.  But, isn’t this trial testing that claim?  Will it be proven right or wrong?
2. To be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of: to understand a trade.
Well!  I don’t know about you, but I am thoroughly familiar with trials.  But, I am also thoroughly familiar with the fruit of perseverance.  The character of  trials of any kind is to put one in a position of choosing a response.  Will my response be defeat—and what is the consequence of such a response?  The consequence of pressing on is a stronger faith in God and a realization of His Sovereignty.
3.To assign a meaning to; interpret…
How have I interpreted my trial?  Often times I interpret them as my failure.  The result of that interpretation is depression, anxiety, loss of security, and fear.  Most the time, however, at the end of a trial, I’ve seen that God allowed it to happen in order to bring me out of my stale faith and/or to answer long awaited prayers.  Yes, what I am saying is-trials are the answers to our prayers.  Why do we think God is going to answer our prayers without doing any work in us?
4.To grasp the significance, implications, or importance of…
Clearly Paul is saying here that trials are given to us to develop perseverance so we lack nothing. Can you imagine lacking nothing?  No, really.  I mean lacking absolutely nothing.  What price will you pay to lack nothing?  Think of the price God paid to make you whole! Trials are of utmost importance for your spiritual maturity and the depth of intimacy with the Father. Do you think you’re going to mature without growing?
5.To regard as firmly communicated; take as agreed or settled…
Once you find the joy in the midst of a trial, and experience a flood of peace and inner delight even though nothing about the circumstances have changed, God’s love is firmly communicated.  There is nothing that trial can do to separate you from that Love and there is nothing the Enemy can do to snatch that joy.  Is it hard?  Of course!  You have to work to “consider it pure joy” because of the faith you have in a God who  in all things works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Rom. 8:28). Yes, your trials are a calling of God according to His purpose.
You are My provider.  I am not left wanting.  I rest in your comfortable peace, soaking in your living water.  I’m walking through the valley, but I will not fear, because you are with Me. You are always with me! You comfort me.  Your goodness will continuously follow me throughout my life’s journey until I enter into Your house (Ps. 23).  I therefore humble myself under Your mighty hand, so that You may lift me up in Your time.  My anxiety is now in your hands, and I know you take it and replace it with the fruit of Joy because You care deeply for me. (1 Pet. 5:6-7). Even now, I rejoice. Thank you. 
*Would you rather worry or trust?
You can’t choose both.