My circumstances tried to drown me today.
Like a rip current, my misery pulled me into the torrent of my own self pity and I was left with a rage like no other I’ve ever felt.
I was making a spectacle there on the battleground of my heart, pressing charges against my life’s trials and pain.
Arrogantly demanding recompense. Acting as a malcontent.
I Despised my life and the life I’ve been called to.
Crying out in anger of my losses and chronic pain.
My confusion and disposition.
All the while forgetting that I was heading to a place of surrender.
See, I was driving towards a place where a group of us would be lifting God’s name.
“How can I worship with such rage?” I asked myself as I realized the purpose I was even out of my house.
And I became shattered.
Unworthy to even speak to my King let alone praise Him just moments after I cursed my life.
But, the broken words came through tears,
“Holy Spirit You are welcome here”
“You can have my soul. Just like Jericho. Come and tear down my walls. You are the Promised Land. I am in Your hands. You are the King of my heart”
He loved me. He made His presence known. He gave me direction through the group as we began reading His Word in Ephesians 3-4:15. I didn’t fix my outlook; He did.
He turned His ear to my cry for help.
In the midst of my anger.
Nothing has changed
Except my rage has been replaced with peace.
My seemingly senseless trials have been shown their worth.
Perseverance is having its way in my heart and joy is my promised reward.
God is my strength. Please be my strength.
So I guess something has changed.
Because I cannot encounter God and be unchanged.